You haven’t heard from me in quite awhile. I’ve been going through two of the most difficult and scary years of my life.
A shit ton of financial insecurity.
Let me tell you, this has been my biggest fear, and the area of life where I have my biggest limiting beliefs.
And my Higher Power has put me face to face with all that for the past two years. And it has both challenged my faith and built it up like nobody’s business.
In fact, I’m tearing up just thinking of it.
I hope to never have to walk this path again, but I wouldn’t undo it either. This dark night of the soul has been the path of some of the greatest spiritual growth I’ve ever experienced.
So I just want to share with you real quick one of the biggest things that has kept me going as I walk this super challenging journey.
It won’t be a big surprise.
Not just any gratitude, although any gratitude is good. But specifically, gratitude for the problem itself. Gratitude for experiencing exactly what I never wanted to experience.
This kind of gratitude wasn’t easy to come by with what was essentially my biggest fear. So the first thing I had to do to find that gratitude was to do a little game of logic:
If it’s true that my Higher Power loves me, and if it’s true that my Higher Power is working for my highest good, then what is the good that is coming out of this?
When I got open and curious about the good that was coming out of it, I was blown away.
You see, I grew up with a lot of abuse. And money was a major component of that abuse. Money was always used to make me feel less than, stupid and unworthy. It was used as a means of control.
Amazingly, in the face of no money, I got to see myself as enough, intelligent, creative, and more than worthy. And none of those traits have anything to do with how much money I have in the bank.
I’ve felt free to be who I was like I’d never felt it before.
It was the last thing I expected could have come from this experience. To this day, I still shake my head thinking, “Wow. Who knew?”
I also got to see the ways I was using money chasing things that might make me feel like I was enough or buying things that would fill the proverbial “hole in the soul.”
With no money, the only thing left to look at was me. And the only thing I could turn to, to fill that hole, was my program and my Higher Power.
And while this journey challenged my faith, and had me railing at my Higher Power more times than I’d like to admit, it has also blown me away to see the extent to which my Higher Power has been caring for me.
I’ve always wanted guarantees. And security that I could count on for years into the future. This journey gave me no choice but to stay in today.
The money I absolutely had to have has always come when I needed it, on many occasions the day before a bill was due.
But to see those things, I had to be willing to look for them, and I had to be grateful when I found them. This hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t always done it perfectly. But it’s what’s given me the level of serenity I’ve been able to experience, despite the financial challenges.
I haven’t necessarily enjoyed my Higher Power’s methods, but I can’t argue with their effectiveness. I am not the woman I was two years ago. And I don’t ever want to be her again.
Even with so little money at a time of year when everything is about buying things, I’m so grateful to be going into this holiday season with such profound gratitude. It is a rebirth of sorts, and a definite boding of a return of the light.
Beautiful timing and the best gift of all, don’t you think?
So now, I’d love to hear from you! What gifts have come from your biggest challenges? What did you do to be able to recognize those gifts?
Share your experience, strength, and hope in the comments. I read every one.