Do you struggle to believe God will help you with your challenges?
I sure did. Sometimes I still do.
But my struggles went beyond the Second Step, “Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
After spending a fair amount of time in the rooms, I was no longer struggling to believe God could help me; I was struggling to believe God would.
This is what terminal uniqueness looked like for me: God would help you, but he’s not going to help me.
My reasoning went something like this: “If God was really going to help me, why hasn’t he already?”
I would review all of the traumatic experiences in my life, especially those in childhood, and ask, “Where was God then?”
The truth is, I still don’t have an answer for that question. I may never know why some things had to happen.
Fortunately, it turns out, I don’t necessarily need an answer to move forward. I could believe God would with out it.
However, my primary fellowship is for family recovery, and much of its literature on the Second Step focused on the word ‘could.’
And that is why I was so grateful my first sponsor sponsored me through the Big Book, because the Big Book explicitly asserts that God would: “God could and would, if He were sought.” (p. 60)
It was such a relief to see those two words I so needed to hear: “God would.”
As I sought to trust this idea, however, I had to recognize that there’s a caveat in that line: “If he were sought.”
But then I asked myself, “What does it mean to seek God? What does that look like?”
The most obvious answer, of course, is that I needed to work the rest of the steps.
But the end of the first part of the Big Book puts it another way that has been key to my growth in my program: “See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events shall come to pass for you and countless others.” (p. 164)
The word ‘relationship’ has informed much of my spiritual growth because it was the word that allowed me to let go of previous notions of an authoritarian, punishing, vengeful God.
From there I could make a beginning at my own understanding of God.
That word also allowed me to imagine a relationship that goes both ways, and it allowed me to better envision the communication that is called for in the Eleventh Step: I talk, God listens; God talks, I listen. And we work together. And I learned I could even get mad at God. (You can read more about that here.)
This was a huge step for me because, growing up with so much chaos, I really struggled to trust.
In my program, I struggled to trust my Higher Power was working for my highest good. I struggled to trust myself. I struggled to trust others. And I struggled to trust my Higher Power’s guidance.
But this was the beginning of trust in my Higher Power for me, and that, not surprisingly, has made an enormous difference in my program.
The pace of my growth has increased exponentially, I’ve discovered more and more joy in becoming the woman my Higher Power put me here to be, and I’ve been better able to serve others.
(Psst, I have a program that’s designed to help build a solid relationship with your Higher Power – the Fourth Dimension Higher Power Program. You can check it out under the services link above.)